Over a Hurdle: It’s Been Hard…

I feel a massive sense of relief!!!!!! It’s taken me over a week to get my latest post out. My writing process is generally quick since my thoughts whirl at tremendous speed in my head. Both a blessing and a curse.

This, however, has been my most challenging article.

From the moment I discovered writing as a form of therapy, it has always been a great tool to help me process some very deeply buried issues. This apparently was one of them. I thought I had worked through the effects of racism but clearly, all of these new anti-Chinese attacks have brought up feelings I was not fully aware of.

The hurt for my child self. The pain of realizing that for all the work I have done little has changed. It’s left me feeling hopeless and questioning how can I be more impactful in shifting Canadian standards to ensure Black, Indigenous, people of colour (BIPoC) are not only included but represented. How do I contribute to ensure that the verbal rhetoric is backed by concrete actions by politicians and my neighbours?

By working through my frustration and anger, I was able to finish this piece and have a glimmer of hope as to how I can move forward and contribute.

I remember a conversation with a friend who said his ultimate life goal is to make ‘fuck you money’…enough money to live free and not be dictated by anyone. My response was to leave this earth knowing I have made truly impactful change for the betterment of humanity, even if its only half a step forward.

Hopefully, processes like these will help me to fine tune my efforts to ensure that the work I do is genuinely impactful.

Anger Inspiring My 1st Series

Last night, my Other Half and I were horrified when we saw the video of a random Chinese woman waiting for a bus, in downtown Vancouver, being attacked by a young white man for no apparent reason. Tiny, 22 year old waiting alone was punched in the head and knocked down for no reason other than being Chinese.

The look on this asshole’s face incited so much anger in me that we had to pause the news for me to rant about the contributions Chinese people have given to this country and the fact that most of our COVID cases came from the USA. If I were an animated character, my face would be red and steam blowing from my ears.

Of course, my lovely supportive Other Half said, “You should write about this.”

So coming soon is a 3 part instalment about racism. First instalment will be about my individual experiences with racism and internalized racism. The second will be about cultural bias and white fragility. The final instalment will discuss systemic oppression, and activism and advocacy.

My hope is this series will ignite discussion and action. For myself, it will be an avenue to rant and vent . Bring back into focus an issue that I have been so passionate about for so long. A way to continue the work that I use to do, educating and supporting our communities to be better.

Trying Not to Drown

There is nothing more frustrating than going to bed emotionally exhausted and waking up at 4am due to another night terror. Night terrors are one of the ugly side effects of when my post-traumatic stress disorder is triggered. Needless to say, it has been a tough morning. My Other Half woke up an hour earlier than I did due to the stresses we’re going through. Lucky for us, what doesn’t kill us will make us stronger…and this too shall pass.

Self-soothing words I feed myself in order to maintain sanity and hope. Words to calm my mind as it whirls with an overwhelming amount of thoughts from replaying out all the possible scenarios of a colossally negative experience and all the ineffectual ways to mitigate it.

The best way I can explain this is that it feels like we are all swimming in a deep pool of poo that was created by others. Like I wrote in one of my posts, “crazy” is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. This gerbil wheel results in a toxic cesspool that is very hard to get out of. It’s even worse when you fall into it without knowing the depth of the crap.

Once in it, you know it stinks and try to find ways for you and your fellow swimmers to get out. Problem is that more crap is added every so often because that gerbil wheel is always actively working. As you work your way to the pool’s edge and try to help those around you to get out, you are pulled back in. Some have no idea that the shit they’re splashing around in is detrimental to their well-being. Some want to come out but have been too broken down to find the strength to get out. Others fear the unknown as they have only known a life within this cesspool. Then there are the few who are exhausted from years of trying to escape this hell and have run out of ideas.

As you try to pull yourself out, the weight and pull of the others drag you back down. If you successfully pull yourself out, the dragging of the others strip you of your external layers and leave you cold and vulnerable. Shaking, gasping for air and confused as to how the fuck did that happen and why is it allowed to continue? You stand alone to bear witness to what is still continuing.

Its a dramatic analogy but it is the most accurate way to describe how I feel right now. Horrifying as it is, we’re stuck in this pool and trying to find our way out.

The problem is this is a very big part of our lives. We will, one day soon, drag our sorry asses out of this shit situation but the truth is that some of the swimmers may never get out. Their anger will be as strong as their denial, but the truth is and always will be the truth.

The truth is hard, especially for me. I’m a relentless optimist. I couldn’t have made it through this life if I didn’t always find some glimmer of hope, but I’m also a pragmatic optimist. Not everyone makes it out okay. That’s the brutality of life. That brutality weighs deeply on me since I love so deeply.

My therapist wants me to save myself. My tribe wonders how my Other Half has survived this long in the shit. My heart breaks and mind is restless. It’s painful for a survivor to feel victimized again, and to see other be victimized by unchecked human suffering.

As a team, my Other Half and I will get through this. We’re smart, caring, rational, and empathetic people. We both have had complex lives as refugee kids who have rebuilt ourselves multiple times. We both live bravely and have been rewarded with so many blessings including the love and support of incredibly loyal friends and family. Our growing pains have helped us evolve into a collective force of resilience and determination.

We will get through this together and be stronger for it. I believe this deeply. I have to. It’s that beacon of light that we’re swimming towards. It’s what keeps us going. Life is a journey and this is one shitty event in our journey that we will grow from.

Here’s hoping…..

The Gift of Volunteering

Thank the goddess for volunteering. Its been a tough time for my Other Half and myself. We have been supporting each other through a difficult personal time. It’s been collectively painful for both of us. As we struggle through this as a team, I am eternally grateful for the ability to escape our reality for a little bit.

Being able to step outside of myself to help others is a saving grace. It saves my sanity and helps to remind me that everything we are going through is a first world, 0.1% bullshit. Dramas of the over privilege who have little else to do.

Spending my afternoon helping My Sister’s Closet to grow their online store gave me great joy. It allowed me to have purpose and spend time with incredibly giving and genuine people. People who are so committed to their community that they come out to help during this pandemic. People who capture my curiosity and fascinate me. People I’m grateful to for reminding me about the beauty of humans.

Volunteering doesn’t just benefit our communities, it benefits us. It helps us stay connected. It feeds our souls and it gives us perspective. So many rewards for so many people.

If you are interested in helping your community, I would highly recommend the Battered Women’s Support Services (BWSS). This organization supports women and children who experience violence, the true global crisis. Ethical, honest and doing impactful work that really needs to grow to support all the women and children in need of their supports. I hope you will consider donating your time, money and/or quality, gently used, pre-loved clothing to them.

Women hold up half the sky and BWSS is working towards keeping us women strong.

Feeling Accomplished!!!!

I’ve been struggling the last few days with how to write recipes for the food that I make.

Last night was the first time I cooked since pondering all of this. Luckily, it was an easy meal, and my mind was calculating measurements as I chopped and went about my business. I think it worked because I wrote my first 3 recipes. Yay!!!!!!

I will admit that I feel a little bit like I cheated. Just a little. They were super easy things to make. A nice practice run. The thought of writing my Canh Cua, traditional Vietnamese sweet and sour fish soup, recipe is still scary. Good thing I’m no longer scared of doing it.

I’m sure my Other Half and the fam will enjoy me making some of these dishes since I don’t make them as often as they would like me to. Lord knows, my bestie has been asking for this recipe for years. It is coming soon.

I hope people enjoy them!!!!

Morning Sucks but Croissants are Good…

This morning really sucks. Woke up feeling crappy and stumbled downstairs to cuddle my baby, Toro in the hopes of feeling better. Did a lot of thinking about the barrage of thoughts in my mind and the feelings they were bringing up. Crying before coffee is never a good start to the day.

Writing about it did help. It always has. It ended up inspiring my latest post, which was not what I was planning to write about next. Gave me a chance to collect my thoughts and filter through them. I really hope the words are as helpful to others as they are to me.

Another helpful thing is the frozen bake yourself croissants from Legends Haul. Nice to cheat bake when I feel like shit. Also nice that my Other Half described them as “your mother is a whore”!?!?!?! Apparently, a Spanish saying used when something is beyond good. I’ll have to take his word on that….the saying that is. The croissants are a hit.

Let’s see what other inspirations today brings……

Why Does it Excite Me So Much?

Woke up this morning to news that Ask For Luigi, one of our favourite Italian restaurants in Vancouver, is opening a new take out venture called Pastifico Di Luigi. A new pop up that will run out of their Pour House location on Water Street. The thought of fresh pasta for take out had me super excited.

This afternoon, I learnt that Miku is now doing take out and delivery (unfortunately not to us in West Van). We have always loved this place. So we won’t have the view but the thought of having their yumminess at home has me bouncing with joy.

It’s amazing how all of this lifts my spirits exponentially. I can’t help but think about the amount I use to spend on food when I was working. It was my form of self-care. What others spend on their cars was what I spent on food per month. Other people shopped, I ate out. Can’t wait until we can do that again but until then, I can’t wait to pick up our orders.

Springing to Life

New month. New ventures. Very excited.

Thanks everyone for all the support and well wishes about this site. It has been a long time coming. Not only did I get off my procrastinating butt and over came my tech fears to create this blog, today is also the official launch of My Sister’s Closet Online Store.

Since moving here, I have had the intention to start my blog and find an organization to support. Serendipitously, both intentions sprung to life at the same time, today.

In February, I wandered over to one of my favourite restaurants around the corner from the Gastown apartment and saddled up to the bar. The moment I walked in, a warm and friendly face smiled at me. Something about this woman clicked with me. Ever get that feeling like you know each other but you know that you definitely don’t? She was without a doubt a kindred spirit.

Long story short, turns out she is the Executive Director of the Battered Women’s Support Services (BWSS). After a whole lot of food and drink and great conversation, I knew I had found an organization to support. Since then, I have been working with her wonderful team, in whatever way I can, to launch their Shopify site.

It has been an absolute pleasure to work with them. It has also been my saving grace. This past month has been hard for my Other Half and myself. the barrage of bullshit has taken its toll and I have been walking around self-identifying as woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Not sure how much more my nervous system can take but volunteering with BWSS has helped me stay sane. So grateful for the work they do and for giving me an avenue to escape the boobs and botox madness.

Really hope everyone enjoys this site and My Sister’s Closet Online Store. My hope and prayer is that people with share with those they know so both can be successful. Lord knows I need a bigger soap box. LOL.

I Did It!!!!!!!!!

Can’t believe I did it!!!!!! Feeling very accomplished that I created this site by myself without any help. Considering the fact that just 8 years ago, I had no idea what a USB was and relied on a tech team for the slightest problem, creating this site has been my version of climbing Everest.

So welcome everyone! Welcome to a small snippet of my mind and life. You’re about to journey with me through some of my experiences and random musings of my mind. I hope I can make you laugh, smile and think a little deeper about things as your taste buds water.

Enjoy the world through my eyes, words and tummy growls…..